Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Apparently you make a good broom.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
