I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
