she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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