I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
