I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
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