I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
