@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
she told me i tasted like america
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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