my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
You ate ashes out of my bong
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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