im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
i believe in u and ur pee
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
