I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
