I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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