Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
handjob tips. give me some.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
