it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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