Taylor Swift is so right about you.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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