yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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