I'm jealous of your bromance
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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