dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
