i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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