I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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