good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
So gin and wine won't be happening again
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize