Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
