what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
