my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
