I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
