I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
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