I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
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