We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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