woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Randomize
