He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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