There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
new midget porn idea. Wizard of Jizz: Munchkins Revenge
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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