I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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