2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
