i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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