When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
