Old men and throwing up are my life now.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
