Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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