My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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