Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
