i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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