Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
