I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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