I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
