Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Randomize
