The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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