u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
