I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
