Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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