She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Randomize
