tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
