Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
