Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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