Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
