U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
