im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
