I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Sorry my hands just texted you
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
