Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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