i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
my being single is dangerous.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Randomize
