Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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