Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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