He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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