So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Randomize
