How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
