just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
